World Kindness Day was last week. Did you miss it while you were being hard on yourself?
If that question rings even a teeny bit true, you’re in good company. Self-criticism is a wildly popular sport, often made worse by social media and lately, our awful mood during quarantine.
The tendency to judge ourselves harshly is a private habit, but have you noticed how much it can affect your public life too? (In this excellent article on social anxiety, perfectionism and self-criticism are pointed out as root causes.)
Maybe there’s nothing terribly wrong with the way you talk to yourself. (I don’t mean to make you feel worse than you might already feel.) But in my own life, I’ve noticed that self-criticism has created lingering problems, and more than a few regrets.
For starters, that doubtful inner voice has often talked me out of taking small risks that could have led to big personal gains.
It’s wasted my energy. I’ve spent way too much time burnishing the shiny wall of safety I assume will protect me.
And more than once, that wall blocked me from joy, adventure and close relationships with some truly fabulous people. So I’m trying to take it down, one hateful block at a time.
I want to issue a little warning, however, in case you are thinking of trying to knock your wall down in one blow or blast through someone else’s fortress.
Melody Beattie, a champion of recovering addicts and the people who love them, said in a great book I read decades ago that certain patterns in our lives are like blankets. They keep us feeling safe and warm until we’re strong enough to make a change.
We shouldn’t go around ripping blankets off people who aren’t ready yet, Beattie emphasizes. So if you approach your loved one about self-criticism, I hope you’ll move gently.
If you are the one who chronically deals in self-disapproval, gentleness is also the right approach. In fact, I would say that gentleness is exactly what you need.
This is why I call my writing prompts loving questions. I want to encourage all of us who write in journals and notebooks and on the back of envelopes as a form of self-care to begin in the best possible frame of mind. Even a drop of love and trust in yourself will help you admit on paper what might be hard to say in any other setting. Bit by bit, this might help you feel stronger in other spaces.
So in honor of World Kindness Day 2020, here are some starting points for your writing.
What is one thing that might be possible for me if I felt better about myself?
Can I talk to my inner judge? Get into an actual dialogue about my negative thoughts?
Do I see my failures as the end of something? Could at least some of them have been a beginning?
Can I think of times when I did love myself through a tough situation? How did that feel?
What’s one small thing I can do today or tomorrow to show myself more loving kindness?
Good luck. Let me know how it goes.