I feel guilty a lot of the time, and I’m wondering if you feel the same … especially in this season of love, remembrance and frantic overcommitment.
When does it actually start, do you think?
When do our busy, busy brains begin making those impossibly long lists? When do we start worrying about the obligations that seem to double and triple, stealing so much of the lively energy we need to actually enjoy the season?
For a lot of us, this is also the time that nostalgic dreams and desires come into view, making us yearn for a sense of emotional closeness and comfort that will make the holidays glow.
Never mind that our dreams might be out of reach because they center around relationships we can’t change, at least not on our own. Or the fact that what we regret so deeply is long past and we can’t go back there, no matter how ardently we wish for that.
This Thanksgiving, I am issuing myself a gentle challenge. If guilt is the gift that keeps on giving, I’d like to return it. (Or at least exchange it for a feeling that’s less painful to carry.)
My plan is to invite the guilty girl inside me to come out in the open and sit down to a plate of lovingkindness. I’m imagining this as a warm, carefully prepared meal I can offer her. She may still disapprove of me, even after I’ve welcomed her, but I can show her I’m not afraid to face her anymore.
If successful, this little practice might just keep me from feeling devastated when the perfect holiday décor (or greeting cards or chocolate cake) don’t turn out the way I hoped. Those were just failed attempts to ease the guilt, anyway.
The truth is, we can’t achieve our way out of this one. No matter how many merit badges we earn at home, work or out in the community, guilt tends to stay with us unless we find the courage to get into conversation with it.
One of the best ways is to grab a plain-jane notebook and explore our feelings of self-disapproval. Look honestly at the roots of them. The impact on our lives. The impact on others, too — because when someone lives with tremendous guilt, everyone close to her pays a price.
If you’d like to try it, here are some loving questions you can ponder. (That’s how I think of writing prompts – just loving questions that a caring friend might ask.)
Whether you write the answers in your journal or just sit with a warm beverage and think about them, I believe you will benefit. Most of all, I hope you will come to feel that acceptance, not guilt, is what you truly deserve this season and in fact, all year long.
The questions:
· Can you describe something that made you feel guilty, either now or in the past?
· Is there a day or time in your life you’d give anything to relive, just so you could change the way things turned out? Has this become a guilt-filled memory you can’t seem to release?
· Are some of your daily choices driven by guilt or fear? What are they? What is the outcome, and how would you like this to change?
· Around this time of year, do you feel more guilt than usual? When do these feelings start to take hold – and how do you respond?
· Can you imagine an entire day with zero guilt? A week? A month? What would you be free to do or enjoy?